I’m from people who came here when there would be no return. I love reading your ache. I don’t think there’s enough said about that experience of coming this far, to such a sweet, rewarding place. My immigrant mate’s father died before he could get home to him, and now he too is washed up here, unsettled but stuck in this beautiful loneliness - nothing left for him at home, his children as kiwi as, in love with this land, but also aware of his small holding here. Ah well. This is a good home. With good people. We have a shot at something utterly remarkable here. I think we’re going to be ok. Your writing is a good part of it fella. Maybe stay. It’s good.
Thanks, Stephen. This means a lot! I am struck again and again by the warmth of the invitation here. My mates are like, 'you're kiwi already.' I'm like...am I? 'This beautiful loneliness.' Argh, that's in there for sure. Isn't it funny, all this back and forth. I watched a TV doco here on immigrants coming to NZ over the years and that no return part, that was such a basic part of the move back in the sailing-ship days, right? I admire the certainty of it, though as a jet-age kids I don't think we can truly understand what that was like. I love it here. My children, too, are kiwi as (one more than the other, I think, in their on little souls.) It's a good home, clearly. Maybe it will feel like mine!
There’s no easy answer. I left NZ in 1984 to marry an American. Through all those years and many moves within US it - home - remains elusive. I miss NZ but my life and my daughters are here. Dan - I wonder where your children see themselves in their future? In NZ or US. That has weight as you consider things. It’s been said before - there’s no perfect place. I feel deeply sad and troubled about the US right now - but I’ve made a life here and my daughters are American. I’d like to think we can get in good trouble here and ride this out.
Hi Joanne! Yes, it's all about the kids, isn't it? Home eludes me, too. I want to provide home for the kids--or as many options as possible. Even at this young age one leans Kiwi and the other US, but they have a sense of our family as traveling/rootless/global, whatever the word is, and seem prepared to make their way in the world however it shakes out, here or there. Good trouble, yes! All things pass. We'll get through!
Yeah I think it may be time to rethink that plan! You are well placed in New Zealand, I've heard before that New Zealand is the safest place to be during a nuclear war. And apparently loads of wealthy people have bunkers or homes there for that reason. Not sure how much truth there is to that, but I definitely heard it a few times.
Hi Kaila! Yes, there are the wealthy hideouts...but they seem mostly to be hideouts? The super wealthy mostly live elsewhere and fly in from time to time to make sure the help are minding the sheep & electric fences. It's a long way from a lot of things! A virtue in so many ways, and not in others. Safe from the bombs, but not sure we make enough things here to ride out a true global mess. But Kiwis are a hardy bunch. She'll be right, as the they say here!
Ah, yeah I guess that's an important factor too! Well, maybe living an off grid life in NZ is the only way to survive a nuclear holocaust? Something to ponder.
What's home is a question we've often asked ourselves as well. We moved more times than we can count, a lot of those moves in NZ. I decided that home is where my husband is, where family is. And NZ is a pretty good place to stay.
Hi Sophie! A wise decision, indeed. I like that you answer the question with a *decision.* I think I keep waiting for a revelation, a bolt of lightning, a mystic conversion. Ain't coming. NZ's right here and it's lovely. My family, too. Deep breath.
Hi Jane! I think this is true, for many of us! (Most of us?) The mechanics of this tug mystify me, though. How strong? When does it wax, when does it wane? Do you have to move home to scratch the itch, or are visits enough? Argh! But it's a joy to love places & belong to them, even if I'll never understand it!
My Dad had a French partner (3rd wife.) They spent half the year in Paris and half in NZ until his late sixties when they moved here permanently. His motivation - he didn't want to die on foreign soil. Nice for his children and grandchildren! The moving back bit!
Hope that wasn't too macabre to mention! She was fine with the move to a simpler life in NZ. They had a nice property by the sea, lots of friends. She did end up alone. I just hope that two of my children currently living overseas decide to return one day. No perfect answer, is there!
I was in Shanghai in 1982 for three months. At the time, it was a rather sleepy big city and probably not one that you would recognize. I was attending a law and language program at East China Normal University. I spoke enough Mandarin and had an even larger passive vocabulary that I was able to get around Shanghai on my own during my free time. It was the bamboo scaffolding and the masses of people sleeping anywhere to keep cool at night that gave me culture shock.
Distance from friends and family is hard. I no longer relish flying and the trip to NZ from here was really long ( although I used one of those jet lag apps that was amazing). My son and I have a weekly phone call on Zoom. I also wondered if NZ felt so far away because it is an island. I spent most of my life living in places where I could just get on a train or in a car and be in another country in less than half a day.
I am older and wonder if the world is on the edge of a paradigm shift. My younger partner would call be a "doomer" but I don;t think of it that way. I just think the economy is going to shift and perhaps be slower and smaller. I have to believe that there will still be global trade, because where will I get my coffee, tea and vanilla?
NZ seems to have a streak of resilience and willingness to make do, which will stand it in good stead. I suspect that you may also start to see more Americans in the future. In any case, you bring your memories of home and they are probably much nicer than any reality that you could go back to. You are right, the only thing that is fixed is that everything changes. But life would be darned boring otherwise. Besides, when you get older, you can become like me and bemoan the damned fools like Trump, Vance and Musk .
Ah, ECNU! We taught at NYU Shanghai, which opened in 2013. For our first year--Jenny was teahing, I hadn't joined yet-- the new university operated out of borrowed buildings on the ECNU campus. We spent al ot of time walking around those lovely gardens and canals. The next year we moved to a high rise in Pudong and it was a whole different vibe.
I, too, am a doomer. Thanks goodness we have partners to call us out! Still--something new is clearly coming, though damned if I can name what. Several somethings new, probably. NZ will muddle on through. The plusses and minuses of being an island! As a friend here said to me the other day: as long as someone doesn't cut the internet cable :)
I’ve never been brave enough to articulate the profound confusion and sadness of what it’s like to be a liberal American living abroad in this current climate. Your post is the closest thing I’ve come to expressing this. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me so much comfort knowing I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Hi Juviand! You are very much not alone—and now you’re making me feel less alone, too. Thank you! Feel like we’re just meeting this confusion & grief now. Lordy, this post ain’t even it yet. So much more to come, for all of us. But we’re strong. We got this, whatever comes.
Going home is difficult, especially after living in another country as an adult for a long period. I ended up in Eastern Canada 16 years ago after a judge game me permission to flee the US with my son to avoid being sued again by my ex. It truly was a weekend decision and one I do not regret.
I am still "from away" and was never able to find paying work here. So until retirement,I continued working for my US employer on a contract basis. Had I given more thought to my move, I might have landed in Norway,Denmark or the Netherlands where I had clients and friends. But I fled as quickly as possible to avoidbeing sued again.
Canada suits me especially now that I am older.I truly appreciate Canadian health care.As my mother aged,I went back to the US on a regular basis and ended up staying there for an extended period after her death. It was not comfortable.Seeing family and friends was wonderful. But my world view altered and I was impatient with the inward looking Midwesterners in comparison to the mosaic views of my neighbours in my small Canadian city.
My son grew up and met a gal from NZ and is living there now. I went to visit for 6 weeks. A beautiful country, but not one for an old lady like me.
I suspect my son will remain in NZ or perhaps move somewhere else in the Commonwealth. He probably would never be comfortable back in the US as he has spent most of his life outside the country and his views tilt left. I am not sure he would agree with me. He is an adult who will do as he pleases.
That being said, Canada remains home to me, even if my world view is tainted by being a American who lived in Switzerland, France and China when I was younger. Homeness changes with exposure to different views and with age.
Hi Ella! Thanks for sharing you story! Eastern Canada seems lovely--I visited the Maritimes as a kid and thought they were beautiful. I've got an American friend who took his family to St. John's in Newfoundland, which looks about as wild and faraway as NZ. Would love to visit someday.
You lived in China too? We were in Shanghai for six years before here. NZ and China as different as two places can be. I wish your son well here, it's a good place to be. Though far away from Canada for sure. The distance has been hard for me and I don't think that hardness oever really goes away.
Homeness changes, yes! I wish I had a chart to follow--how fast it can change, and where, and at which stages of life. I wonder, too, about some core level of homenss that doesn't change, or holds on mightily in the face of change? Nothing is fixed, really. That's maybe the biggest lesson here, and the toughest.
My roots are very much fixed here now.. for so many reasons. It's different for us - we chose this, we didn't *have to* bail and move here. I mean, it was still hurried due to various life pressures - but we could have moved back. And we'll be in the homeland for a stint at some point, to help out the whanau as they get older - but that's for the people, not the country. The country just doesn't feel like somewhere I want, need anymore.
If we could *just* bundle up about 50, 60 people and ship them over here - selfishly create my own little village. But then I know that some people wouldn't thrive here like we have; the culture, creature comforts and conveniences that NZ can't always offer - mostly the ones that I f'kin despise, that separate us from that number-8 mentality, that can-do attitude that I grew up with in an overseas parallel (at the time not knowing that number--8 was even a thing).
Thanks, brother. I love hearing that declaration! Feels good. How long does it take to rewrite one of those declarations? I don't know. You could do it in a day. You could hold back for the rest of your life. But it's good to be home, no? I like you talking about the homeland as something you could just *want* or not, rather than something you're born to or must carry. A three-veg to the meat that's the people. I guess I still want loads of America in my life!
So what if the 50-60 people were all busy bundling up their own 50-60 loved ones and hauling us all to their village? The metaphysics would get complicated quick, but I wouldn't mind a stint in good ol' NYC or Iowa or New Orleans. I imagine us all stumbling out of the teleporter into the latest loved-one village, standing around for an awkward fortnight and telling each other 'I love that dude but I don't know how he puts up with this place.' And then whoosh, you're called to the next...
That must suck, Dan. But I hope you stay here. Questions of homeness concern us all, even those of us who've never lived anywhere else... Our inheritance as the children of colonisation...
Thanks, Rosie! Homeness, I like it. Home-osity. Homeish. Home-idad, in the Spanish. It's the wanderer's vanity to think we've put our hands on some special stove of homeness mystery. You're right, the question waits for us all. Settlers have a particular weird flavor. I love that reckoning here, which runs deep and complciated without ever once making me feel unwelcome. How do y'all do it? I gotta stick around and find out
Hi Rachel! This is so true. Living abroad means living forever with the abstract of America, and the abstract often seems to be sinking like a ship. I close my eyes and try to inhabit the thriving bits, the daily beauty. You're good at this! I try to follow. One day at a time. Bake something. Go for a walk.
Hi Nikolai! Thanks for the invite! We did go to Lake Baikal years ago, and I though it was the one of the most beautiful places I'd ever been. Liked funky little Irkutsk, too. Everyone was really nice to us, and I lived very happily on smoked fish for a week. But the politics--no rudeness intended--they're just not mine, and this child of Phoenix AZ would probably not last the winter!
I’m from people who came here when there would be no return. I love reading your ache. I don’t think there’s enough said about that experience of coming this far, to such a sweet, rewarding place. My immigrant mate’s father died before he could get home to him, and now he too is washed up here, unsettled but stuck in this beautiful loneliness - nothing left for him at home, his children as kiwi as, in love with this land, but also aware of his small holding here. Ah well. This is a good home. With good people. We have a shot at something utterly remarkable here. I think we’re going to be ok. Your writing is a good part of it fella. Maybe stay. It’s good.
Thanks, Stephen. This means a lot! I am struck again and again by the warmth of the invitation here. My mates are like, 'you're kiwi already.' I'm like...am I? 'This beautiful loneliness.' Argh, that's in there for sure. Isn't it funny, all this back and forth. I watched a TV doco here on immigrants coming to NZ over the years and that no return part, that was such a basic part of the move back in the sailing-ship days, right? I admire the certainty of it, though as a jet-age kids I don't think we can truly understand what that was like. I love it here. My children, too, are kiwi as (one more than the other, I think, in their on little souls.) It's a good home, clearly. Maybe it will feel like mine!
There’s no easy answer. I left NZ in 1984 to marry an American. Through all those years and many moves within US it - home - remains elusive. I miss NZ but my life and my daughters are here. Dan - I wonder where your children see themselves in their future? In NZ or US. That has weight as you consider things. It’s been said before - there’s no perfect place. I feel deeply sad and troubled about the US right now - but I’ve made a life here and my daughters are American. I’d like to think we can get in good trouble here and ride this out.
Hi Joanne! Yes, it's all about the kids, isn't it? Home eludes me, too. I want to provide home for the kids--or as many options as possible. Even at this young age one leans Kiwi and the other US, but they have a sense of our family as traveling/rootless/global, whatever the word is, and seem prepared to make their way in the world however it shakes out, here or there. Good trouble, yes! All things pass. We'll get through!
Blessings on the good trouble you can make. Yes. Absolutely needed now.
Yeah I think it may be time to rethink that plan! You are well placed in New Zealand, I've heard before that New Zealand is the safest place to be during a nuclear war. And apparently loads of wealthy people have bunkers or homes there for that reason. Not sure how much truth there is to that, but I definitely heard it a few times.
Hi Kaila! Yes, there are the wealthy hideouts...but they seem mostly to be hideouts? The super wealthy mostly live elsewhere and fly in from time to time to make sure the help are minding the sheep & electric fences. It's a long way from a lot of things! A virtue in so many ways, and not in others. Safe from the bombs, but not sure we make enough things here to ride out a true global mess. But Kiwis are a hardy bunch. She'll be right, as the they say here!
Ah, yeah I guess that's an important factor too! Well, maybe living an off grid life in NZ is the only way to survive a nuclear holocaust? Something to ponder.
I keep thinking I'll wake up one morning and have this all figured out. Still waiting for that day.
Amen, brother. I know you understand all this! We must live in that waiting, I suppose.
me too
What's home is a question we've often asked ourselves as well. We moved more times than we can count, a lot of those moves in NZ. I decided that home is where my husband is, where family is. And NZ is a pretty good place to stay.
Hi Sophie! A wise decision, indeed. I like that you answer the question with a *decision.* I think I keep waiting for a revelation, a bolt of lightning, a mystic conversion. Ain't coming. NZ's right here and it's lovely. My family, too. Deep breath.
Guess humans never lose the tug of their birthplace ...
Hi Jane! I think this is true, for many of us! (Most of us?) The mechanics of this tug mystify me, though. How strong? When does it wax, when does it wane? Do you have to move home to scratch the itch, or are visits enough? Argh! But it's a joy to love places & belong to them, even if I'll never understand it!
My Dad had a French partner (3rd wife.) They spent half the year in Paris and half in NZ until his late sixties when they moved here permanently. His motivation - he didn't want to die on foreign soil. Nice for his children and grandchildren! The moving back bit!
Oh, the dying on foreign soil! That feels so real in a way I can't even begin to sort out. I wonder what you father's partner thought about that move!
Hope that wasn't too macabre to mention! She was fine with the move to a simpler life in NZ. They had a nice property by the sea, lots of friends. She did end up alone. I just hope that two of my children currently living overseas decide to return one day. No perfect answer, is there!
Not at all, glad you mentioned it! I will have to write about it someday. And the kids, wherever they land--aye, no simple answer indeed.
Yes, this is important to consider. Pls do write about it.
I was in Shanghai in 1982 for three months. At the time, it was a rather sleepy big city and probably not one that you would recognize. I was attending a law and language program at East China Normal University. I spoke enough Mandarin and had an even larger passive vocabulary that I was able to get around Shanghai on my own during my free time. It was the bamboo scaffolding and the masses of people sleeping anywhere to keep cool at night that gave me culture shock.
Distance from friends and family is hard. I no longer relish flying and the trip to NZ from here was really long ( although I used one of those jet lag apps that was amazing). My son and I have a weekly phone call on Zoom. I also wondered if NZ felt so far away because it is an island. I spent most of my life living in places where I could just get on a train or in a car and be in another country in less than half a day.
I am older and wonder if the world is on the edge of a paradigm shift. My younger partner would call be a "doomer" but I don;t think of it that way. I just think the economy is going to shift and perhaps be slower and smaller. I have to believe that there will still be global trade, because where will I get my coffee, tea and vanilla?
NZ seems to have a streak of resilience and willingness to make do, which will stand it in good stead. I suspect that you may also start to see more Americans in the future. In any case, you bring your memories of home and they are probably much nicer than any reality that you could go back to. You are right, the only thing that is fixed is that everything changes. But life would be darned boring otherwise. Besides, when you get older, you can become like me and bemoan the damned fools like Trump, Vance and Musk .
Ah, ECNU! We taught at NYU Shanghai, which opened in 2013. For our first year--Jenny was teahing, I hadn't joined yet-- the new university operated out of borrowed buildings on the ECNU campus. We spent al ot of time walking around those lovely gardens and canals. The next year we moved to a high rise in Pudong and it was a whole different vibe.
I, too, am a doomer. Thanks goodness we have partners to call us out! Still--something new is clearly coming, though damned if I can name what. Several somethings new, probably. NZ will muddle on through. The plusses and minuses of being an island! As a friend here said to me the other day: as long as someone doesn't cut the internet cable :)
I’ve never been brave enough to articulate the profound confusion and sadness of what it’s like to be a liberal American living abroad in this current climate. Your post is the closest thing I’ve come to expressing this. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me so much comfort knowing I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Hi Juviand! You are very much not alone—and now you’re making me feel less alone, too. Thank you! Feel like we’re just meeting this confusion & grief now. Lordy, this post ain’t even it yet. So much more to come, for all of us. But we’re strong. We got this, whatever comes.
Yes so much sadness. A friend and I are hosting Mourning Circles for Ameri-Kiwis.
Going home is difficult, especially after living in another country as an adult for a long period. I ended up in Eastern Canada 16 years ago after a judge game me permission to flee the US with my son to avoid being sued again by my ex. It truly was a weekend decision and one I do not regret.
I am still "from away" and was never able to find paying work here. So until retirement,I continued working for my US employer on a contract basis. Had I given more thought to my move, I might have landed in Norway,Denmark or the Netherlands where I had clients and friends. But I fled as quickly as possible to avoidbeing sued again.
Canada suits me especially now that I am older.I truly appreciate Canadian health care.As my mother aged,I went back to the US on a regular basis and ended up staying there for an extended period after her death. It was not comfortable.Seeing family and friends was wonderful. But my world view altered and I was impatient with the inward looking Midwesterners in comparison to the mosaic views of my neighbours in my small Canadian city.
My son grew up and met a gal from NZ and is living there now. I went to visit for 6 weeks. A beautiful country, but not one for an old lady like me.
I suspect my son will remain in NZ or perhaps move somewhere else in the Commonwealth. He probably would never be comfortable back in the US as he has spent most of his life outside the country and his views tilt left. I am not sure he would agree with me. He is an adult who will do as he pleases.
That being said, Canada remains home to me, even if my world view is tainted by being a American who lived in Switzerland, France and China when I was younger. Homeness changes with exposure to different views and with age.
Hi Ella! Thanks for sharing you story! Eastern Canada seems lovely--I visited the Maritimes as a kid and thought they were beautiful. I've got an American friend who took his family to St. John's in Newfoundland, which looks about as wild and faraway as NZ. Would love to visit someday.
You lived in China too? We were in Shanghai for six years before here. NZ and China as different as two places can be. I wish your son well here, it's a good place to be. Though far away from Canada for sure. The distance has been hard for me and I don't think that hardness oever really goes away.
Homeness changes, yes! I wish I had a chart to follow--how fast it can change, and where, and at which stages of life. I wonder, too, about some core level of homenss that doesn't change, or holds on mightily in the face of change? Nothing is fixed, really. That's maybe the biggest lesson here, and the toughest.
I hear ya, Dan.
My roots are very much fixed here now.. for so many reasons. It's different for us - we chose this, we didn't *have to* bail and move here. I mean, it was still hurried due to various life pressures - but we could have moved back. And we'll be in the homeland for a stint at some point, to help out the whanau as they get older - but that's for the people, not the country. The country just doesn't feel like somewhere I want, need anymore.
If we could *just* bundle up about 50, 60 people and ship them over here - selfishly create my own little village. But then I know that some people wouldn't thrive here like we have; the culture, creature comforts and conveniences that NZ can't always offer - mostly the ones that I f'kin despise, that separate us from that number-8 mentality, that can-do attitude that I grew up with in an overseas parallel (at the time not knowing that number--8 was even a thing).
As I have said before, I'm from Wairarapa.
Thanks, brother. I love hearing that declaration! Feels good. How long does it take to rewrite one of those declarations? I don't know. You could do it in a day. You could hold back for the rest of your life. But it's good to be home, no? I like you talking about the homeland as something you could just *want* or not, rather than something you're born to or must carry. A three-veg to the meat that's the people. I guess I still want loads of America in my life!
So what if the 50-60 people were all busy bundling up their own 50-60 loved ones and hauling us all to their village? The metaphysics would get complicated quick, but I wouldn't mind a stint in good ol' NYC or Iowa or New Orleans. I imagine us all stumbling out of the teleporter into the latest loved-one village, standing around for an awkward fortnight and telling each other 'I love that dude but I don't know how he puts up with this place.' And then whoosh, you're called to the next...
Waving hand: pick me!
Really love your writing and this essay. 🙌
Thanks, Karen!
That must suck, Dan. But I hope you stay here. Questions of homeness concern us all, even those of us who've never lived anywhere else... Our inheritance as the children of colonisation...
Thanks, Rosie! Homeness, I like it. Home-osity. Homeish. Home-idad, in the Spanish. It's the wanderer's vanity to think we've put our hands on some special stove of homeness mystery. You're right, the question waits for us all. Settlers have a particular weird flavor. I love that reckoning here, which runs deep and complciated without ever once making me feel unwelcome. How do y'all do it? I gotta stick around and find out
Pretty Wild West but there are moose and sushi.
Outside the box, we’ve found a way to thrive here, of creating our life here, despite. I’m guessing you’d be good at it also.
Hi Rachel! This is so true. Living abroad means living forever with the abstract of America, and the abstract often seems to be sinking like a ship. I close my eyes and try to inhabit the thriving bits, the daily beauty. You're good at this! I try to follow. One day at a time. Bake something. Go for a walk.
I know that you and Jenny will make (and are making) the best decision for yourselves and your family, as you always have.
Hey Genevieve!!! Oh man I needed to hear that. Doubting every move, all the time. We miss you! HUGS HUGS HUGS
The Russian Ark is ready for good families.
But get ready for a world of people hating you unjustly.
(They all have ‘good excuses’ for being total douches in public, of course)
Hi Nikolai! Thanks for the invite! We did go to Lake Baikal years ago, and I though it was the one of the most beautiful places I'd ever been. Liked funky little Irkutsk, too. Everyone was really nice to us, and I lived very happily on smoked fish for a week. But the politics--no rudeness intended--they're just not mine, and this child of Phoenix AZ would probably not last the winter!